It's cleaning day!

 Every Monday I give the house a good scrub because we're horrendous slobs over the weekend. Every weekend, without fail.
 So this is me, procrastinating. So far all I've done is almost catch up on laundry. It's really pretty satisfying, folding and sorting and putting it all away, but still I procrastinate. I'm down to the socks now. Socks. I don't even match them. I find two with a similar shape and fold them together. Right now I'm wearing a pink Hilfiger sock on my left foot and a grey nameless brand on the other. Screw it, life's too short to match socks.
 Olivia's home sick and oh my God she's a whiny child. It must be karma. She doesn't even have a fever anymore, but she's like, "moooom can you move the coffee table closer so I don't have to sit up to get my water? Mooooom can I have a new straw, this one is an hour old. Moooooom I'm tired of Cartoon Network, here's the remote, change the station please."
 Screw that. My head almost popped when she asked that last one, SHE HAS THE REMOTE RIGHT THERE.
 She also thinks I should make her cookies. What? No.
 Okay, I exaggerate. Really, she's being very sweet and quiet, other than those requests. She's snuggled up under a jacket -- because a blanket was too much, she said -- in panties and cuddling with the boxerdog (who is an asshole and a wonderful dog at the same time today). And since I refused to change the station, she's still watching Johnny Bravo on CN, and every now and then she sighs wistfully and mentions her concerns about what she might be missing on Nickelodeon.

 What else can I do now to put off the laundry?

Rambling update

  I'm going to divide this post up so readers can skip over topics they're not interested in; this is going to be long, and I realize I'm boring and ramble a lot, but I seem to get a lot of page views even when I go months without posting, so I guess someone somewhere is interested.








Family stuff
I can't believe we've been here over a year now. So much has changed for us! I realize I say that A LOT. But it's so true! I came here with three grieving, insecure, unsure kids, all of them had regular meltdowns. Now they're happy, fight no more than any other kids (I realize this is still a lot because kids are asses), are generally happy, get along with other kids, and all three are more respectful and secure overall. Seth has even started sleeping with the lights off, and hasn't wet the bed in MONTHS! Every day, I'm reminded that moving here, and being with Greg, is the best possible thing that we could have done. His stability makes my crazies feel less crazy and has brought the kids to a really good place.

For the anniversary, we took a family vacation to the beach. It was awesome; Greg and I fished a lot, even went deep sea fishing with his dad and Seth one day. The kids had a blast, and now I'm plotting ways to move to the coast. Jamaica was my first choice, but since apparently THAT isn't going to happen, I could live with the coast of Texas. Though I doubt that's going to happen, either, haha.

 Luke and Liv call Greg "Dad" a good chunk of the time. Seth refers to him as his dad, but calls him Greg, and Greg loves it all. We didn't tell the kids to do any of it, they just do. As Seth said a few months ago,

 "Greg. Even though you're our step dad, you love us as much As a real dad. And even though you haven't known us for long, you love us and support us just like a real parent. And we love you."

 I guess Greg has earned it, in just a year. He's amazing.  

Potential Baby Stuff: 
I had my tubes untied July 9th, and it was just moderately successful. Only one tube was able to be reconnected, and they were only able to salvage about 2cm of it. Our chances of conceiving normally and having a live baby out of it are only at like 30-50%. We're going to keep trying until January, and if it hasn't happened yet we're getting IVF. I've wanted another baby for a long time, and always regretted getting my tubes tied in the first place, and Greg wants to have a baby baby of his own; he loves our kids, he always refers to them as his, ours, never just mine, but I completely understand. And I want the experience of having a baby WITH him, too.

Geeky Gamer shit:
  We're playing FFXIV and really having fun! We've been looking for a new MMO to play together for awhile. We tried Rift but just as we were ready for endgame content, our guild kind of fell apart. Also, I just couldn't really get into it. Then we tried Tera, I loved the combat (Aiming and moving rather than just sitting in one spot hitting buttons, it was fun!) and the graphics (Bright! Happy!) but the game was too cutesy for Greg (Google the Elin. Barf. I guess there were aspects that were too much for me, too). I tried going back to EQ2 for awhile but none of our friends were playing anymore and Greg couldn't stay into it, too much had changed. We each got a toon to max level and then lost interest. But now FF is out an we're both really into it! I love having something we can do together regularly without spending a whole lot of money. For $30 a month, we have nightly entertainment! The graphics are good and just bright and happy enough, and there's just enough "cute" factor to keep me happy without making Greg gag over the cuteness. The dungeons are a lot of fun, too. There's some thinking involved with some fights, even at low-levels, so we're not just sitting back and clicking here, either, but it's not quite as involved as Tera's combat system.

Kid stuff:
  Liv is playing basketball. She sucks. And she doesn't seem to enjoy it, though she says she does. I think she has stage fright. She acts all stiff and self-conscious while she plays. Seth is playing Soccer and thank God the season's almost over. His last game is Saturday, and then there are playoffs because his team is #3 (SO CLOSE to #2) in the league. He also sucks, but the rest of the team is good enough to make up for the weak spot. He is just afraid of the ball. It must be genetic because I was always the girl ducking when the ball came her way, in all the sports. Then we're taking winter off, because so much happens in the winter; Luke's birthday, Liv's birthday, our anniversay, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year. There are holiday parties and it's just TOO MUCH to add practices and games into it and to schedule around them. But in the spring we're going to start Liv in ballet and Seth wants to take some kind of martial art, and I'm not sure yet what Luke wants to do. I think he wants to play basketball again, which is fine because even though he sucks, too, he seems to enjoy it and put more effort into it than the other two do into their team sports. Also, it's cheap. Cheap matters. A lot.

 All the kids are doing really well in school. Liv is terrible about turning her homework in (OH MY GOD WHY DO WE EVEN DO ALL THIS WORK IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE IT IN YOUR FOLDER? FOR GOD'S SAKE TURN IT IN), but the teacher says she's sooo creative and insightful during class, and thinks outside the box better than any other third grader she's had. She has trouble focusing and is fidgety and distractable but the teacher also thinks this is a maturity thing. She's a year younger than most of the other third graders because she started at 4 in AZ, so she's more on the maturity level of a 2nd grader and the difference at this age is fairly high. But she's also popular. Other kids seek her out and when she plays basketball at school, even other little girls who don't like basketball play it, so they can be playing with her. Apparently when she's at school playing, she doesn't suck, so I really think it IS just stage fright.

 Luke got himself moved into honors math. He was soooo bored in normal math, he was acting up and refusing to do the work. The teacher pulled his scores from last year's tests and was like, "oh. We need to move the kid up." And I was like, yes. Yes we do. But also, he needs to be held accountable for acting like an ass; I don't care how bored he was, disrespect is not ok. But ever since he was moved he's done really well! I'm very excited for him. He's learning to play violin, too. Slowly, because his bow broke and slacker mom took a week to get a new one ordered, and the new one isn't here yet. Sometimes he seems glad and sometimes he seems impatient about it. Probably a little of both. I don't think he's nuts about the violin yet, but I hope it gets better when he gets his new bow and is actually able to play it.

 Seth is having a REALLY great year! I haven't had to pick him up from school early due to behavior even once. We haven't had any melt downs at home or school. His grades are high and his teachers haven't had anything but praise for him so far! He went to camp with the 5th grade and had a blast. I guess he had a rough time at night because he missed me, but overall he was really good. We've been running together in the mornings. I get up at 5:15 and we're out the door by 5:30. We don't make it far but I think the running helps him a lot. Also, the one-on-one time. He talks a lot, when we walk. Yesterday he slipped his hand into mine and thanked me for doing it with him. He makes me melt <3 I love that he's not embarassed to hold my hand or kiss me on the cheek in public. Even during the day in places his friends will see, I get kisses on the cheek. His sensory issues mean I still can't give HIM a kiss on the cheek, but I'll take what I can get.

 NaNoWriMo, Twitter, whatever:

I'm doing NaNoWriMo again this year! 50k words in 30 days, and I am determined to make it this year. I made it the first year but ever since there has been too much going on in November for me to do it. Last year we were wedding planning and adjusting, the year before Karl was sooo sick, and I was working full-time and going to school full-time. This year, I have no such excuse, though eventually I DO need to start school back up.

 I'm on Twitter! My updates all usually come as pictures through Instagram, but if you're interested, I'm @teediddlyhee on Twitter.

 And that's about all I have to say, and I'm too lazy to wrap this up nicely. Later.


 

Redneck style CoolSculpting.

 I've got areas of fluffiness I don't like. Well, all of me is an area of fluffiness I don't like. I've lost 15lbs ,but I still have a ways to go. But in particular, there are the belly and love handle areas that are fluffy and not liked. But I'm cheap and skeered of scalpels slicing into me, and I've SEEN Nip/Tuck and the idea of fat being vacuumed out of my body makes me want to throw up a lot. So what to do? Work out? Eat right? Pshaw.

 I found this CoolSculpt thing and after reading reviews, it's not something I'd spend my money on. Expensive! Multiple treatments! Sitting bored in a doctor's office for hours! It can take up to 6 weeks to see results!? The idea is probably a load of poo! Because in that 6 weeks maybe you were eating better, because they do recommend a healthy diet to keep it off, so... who says the results you see in six weeks aren't just from eating better and a few crunches?

 But I'm not so skeptical that I won't strap ice packs here at home to my belly and love handles with my belly-burny-fat waist thingy and sit on the computer for a few hours. I mean hey, at the very least, being cold burns more calories, so that can't be bad, right? If there are results, maybe I'll freeze my thighs next.

what do we need?

A big deal is always made about what women need and want, and what men need and want. What we need and want as a gender is thought to be different than the needs of the opposite sex. Women want romance and affection and mushiness; men want sex and food and time alone with the tv remote. Women need romantic sex and men need is on a purely carnal level. Women want less sex than men. Over the course of three marriages, however, and along with the help of informal interwebz observations and relationships with men and women both, I've learned that this is complete bullshit. The lines between genders are really blurred when it comes to both our emotional and sexual needs.

 It's a lie, the idea that men would just as soon skip the date, the roses, the eye contact. Men get the same high women do, when they're in love. They need the same emotional connection that comes with intimacy. Sometimes, they, too, just need to be held. There have been nights after an argument where Greg and I have gone to bed not mad, but disgruntled. Both of us felt inadequate and less than wanted. All I wanted, in those moments, was for my husband to roll over and pull me close and hold me and reassure me. But he never did. Why? Not because he didn't want to, apparently. Apparently, it was because he needed the same from me! I would occasionally reach out and touch him, briefly, hoping he'd know how much I needed him to come hold me, and while I was doing it, he was hoping I would come closer and hold him.

 Men, as much as women, need to feel safe. They need to be able to cry in front of you. They need to be able to unload their worries. They need their wives to listen. They need to be able to trust you enough to open up to you. They need to know you're not going to tell your mom or your sister or your best friend or hell, maybe even your cat. Just like women, sometimes men don't want their problem fixed, they just need you to listen. Sometimes that IS the fix.

 On the other hand, I can tell you how much I like control of the remote now and then. I like Tosh.0 just fine, but what if I want to watch desperate housewife reruns? And sex. I crave just as much -- maybe more -- as Greg. I am somewhat insatiable. It doesn't vary by week of the month and it doesn't stop when I'm angry or stressed or in pain of any kind (except this one time I had a toothache and all I wanted was for someone to shoot me). It's like a bandaid. It helps destress. It helps me feel connected. Orgasms are really good, too, of course, and Greg's never failed to satisfy (he really might kill me for this entire paragraph) but my main need is to be as physically close as I can get. I'm like an alcoholic, self medicating with my addiction. And I'm obsessed. But sometimes... Sometimes it really is all about the damn orgasm. Or three... however many can be had, women want them. Sometimes it doesn't really matter who is giving said orgasms. You just neeeeed them. It's not about connection, just frantic, hard sex. Both sexes need all aspects; the romantic need and the biological need.

 I've learned what bullshit it is, the idea that "men want to be respected and women want to be loved" in a relationship. Of course men want to be respected, but they also want to feel loved. They need you to tell them, unrestrained, how much you appreciate them and how the things they do make your heart swell. They like love letters. Mushy ones. They appreciate cards on random days that just tell them you love them. Wax poetic. He'll love it. I promise.

 It is important for a woman to feel loved, but guys, we want to feel respected, too. We want to know that you notice a job well done. We need you to acknowledge that we worked our asses off to clean/remodel/cook/get promoted/get an A in that bitch of a math class we had to take/got out of the store with all three of the same kids we brought in, and not only that, they're alive. We want you to listen attentively to our days' details as if hearing us out and understanding our viewpoints is the most important thing in the world. We need you to not laugh if we miss a point or don't understand something, just like you. Who likes to be laughed at?

 Give, all of yourself, as good as you'd like to get it. A relationship's quality and ability to last is entirely dependent on both consistent emotional and physical needs being met, and on mutual love and requited respect.

father's day, kids' resilience, amazing husband, good stuff.

My friend told me her husband asked if I'd married Greg for money. Bahaha! I'd certainly be disappointed if I had! She was worried I'd be mad. I definitely am not; amused is what I am. I married Greg because he's amazing, he's my best friend, and because no one has ever made me feel more loved and wanted and full. Because he's the first man who has encouraged me to grow. He challenges my mind and my heart. He accepts me as I am, and at the same time helps me to be the best woman I can be.
 I knew how wonderful he was long before we were together, but what I knew then barely scraped the surface. What I know now makes my heart ache with happiness. I know that he's not just an amazing husband, but an amazing dad as well. He thinks about the kids, he praises their strengths and encourages them to grow and learn as well. His patience brings out the best in them. He gives them stability and affection and love. Yesterday, while Olivia read a book to him, he rested his head on hers and closed his eyes and at first I thought he was sleepy, but no... he was enjoying the time with our daughter. His daughter. He makes her feel treasured. He makes the boys feel respected and loved. There's nothing That makes me doubt that he deserves the title of "dad."
The kids don't call him dad -- well, Olivia does, about half the time. But they all insisted on giving him a good father's day. Cards, Candy, lunch, sleeping in. They all mentioned Karl briefly once or twice, why wouldn't they? We certainly don't want them to forget him. But they don't dwell on him. They have hit a point in their healing where they remember happily, but they are able to live in the moment and accept what is. People have said things that sound like the kids need a lot more time, that they should still be grieving. And maybe they are; a therapist once told me that the grieving process is sometimes never completely gone, that sometimes we keep revisiting it or coming across triggers for years after. And every now and then, one of the kids says they miss Karl, and they say what they need to and we listen and respond. But for the most part, the kids accept what is and are happy and adjusted better than I could have imagined. They're resilient. They're strong. They have the ability to heal that we lose as we get older, physically and emotionally. I think that going through everything we went through helped them grow. They're strong because they went through what, by all rights, could very well break a person and they pushed through it. They were tested beyond what a kid should Have To endure. They saw things no kid should have to and are still able to laugh and be kids, are still able to celebrate the things they have.
My kids are amazing, inspiring little people.

Wax: DO NOT WANT.

SO we've all seen that episode of Friends, Where Monica and Phoebe try Waxine, right? And we're like, oh they're exaggerating. It can't hurt that much.
 Let me tell you how very wrong we were.
 I found an unopened package of Nads under the sink, that apparently Greg had from before I moved in. And I was like, oh! Maybe I won't shave my lady bits, maybe I'll wax instead! It looks so easy!
 So I opened the package. I read the instructions. Apply a thin layer of wax, slap that cloth strip on and rip it off. It alleges that the pain will be minimal and your unwanted hair will be gone! ALLEGES.
 I did exactly what the instructions said, noting that the wax is somewhat harder to spread than Nads implies. So far so good. I unrolled the strip of cotton cloth. I smoothed it over the waxy area. I took a deep breath and I yanked that shit off my lady bits. And I screamed.
 "MOTHERFUCKER."
 Yes, I was quite vulgar. And when I immediately noticed that there had been no actual hair removal, my head nearly popped. Had I done something wrong? Maybe that was why it hurt so much!
 And now you're thinking, she didn't try it again, did she?
 Yes. Yes I did. With the same results and louder swearing.
 So now I am waxy, stuck together, still hairy, and stinging too much to shave.
 Eff you, Nads. Eff you.

There are no normal people in my life.

Harold Fantastic Longpants*.........

 

Toni: !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Toni: ermahgerr is that all you have to say?

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: yes.

 

Toni: Okay.

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: STOP TALKING ABOUT ASS SNIFFING. I GET ENOUGH FROM THE DOGS

WHY IS THAT PLURAL

WHY AM I SHOUTING

 

Toni:OMGOD STOP YELLING AT ME

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: OK

 

Toni: No one said anything about ass SNIFFING. I think tasting was the word used

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: I was trying to forget that part.

 

Toni: But I said it's NOT allowed, so it can't be that traumatizing

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: Ah yes hm. THe wife and I are going up to the Hamptons to enjoy the beach and maybe take in one of the many local ass tastings Hm

 

Toni: See, mine lets you visualize people not tasting ass. Yours makes you think, omg the Longpantses enjoy ass. 

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants http://toph.net/Ass_tasting_descriptors.html

it is a thing

 

Toni: hrm.

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: This is flipping hilarious

 

Toni: I might need to post this conversation on my blog.

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: Ok, but I demand to be known as "Harold Fantastic Longpants"

 

Toni: Alright. Names will be changed for privacy and scaredy pants.

 

*name changed for privacy and scaredy pants.

.

Running; I hate it. Pretty much the only thing that keeps me doing it is the zombie race on the 1st. Also, getting skinny. I miss being skinny. While I was focused on Karl and cancer for two years, I put on an embarrassing nearly 40lbs. I've lost 10 so far, but I'm still in the low obese range of the bmi scale. That's pretty hard to admit. I always found an identity in being the "skinny girl," and I'm no longer skinny. I'm having trouble grasping the idea that I can still be attractive and struggling with not slipping back into a compulsive not-eating cycle. There are days I'm tempted to encourage old bad habits; calorie counting, extreme restriction, eating only negative-calorie foods. And other days, I fight the desire to eat nothing but Snickers and Pepsi. More often than not this month, I've been restricting. I'm disturbingly proud of a 700 calorie day. I've got enough of a grip to know that's disturbing, but not enough to care. Phentermine makes me forget to eat, too, and makes me able to be up at 6, skip my nap, and stay up until midnight. Also, my house has never been cleaner. Yay phentermine!

Me: Greg. If you found out I was born male bit didn't know until yesterday would you leave me?
Greg: did you find out you were born a man yesterday?
Me: yes. Now answer.
Greg: no. Well, maybe. I would want to know how you had three children.
Me: okay, fine. Not me. Hypothetically, if you found out your wife was born a man would you leave her?
Greg: probably not. .
Me: probably? You said we were soulmates, how does THAT work, you'd maybe leave your soulmate!
Greg: this was supposed to be hypothetical.
Me: well it's not anymore!
Greg: this is a stupid conversation.

Cameron and Heather

 I was contacted recently by the husband of a woman with an incredible survival. He asked me to share her story here to raise awareness and hope, and after watching her video I couldn't say no! There really is so much hope in their story. Here you go!

 "My name is Cameron Von St. James and my wife, Heather was diagnosed seven years ago with a very rare and deadly cancer called mesothelioma, just three months after the birth of our only child.  We were initially told that she could have less than 15 months to live, but she was able to defy the odds and eventually beat the cancer.  Today, she is completely healthy and cancer free.  Now, we work to spread awareness and to support others fighting cancer today.  We recently participated in a short video about my wife's cancer experience, which we hope to use to continue to raise awareness and support. Here is the link to the video:  http://can.cr/heather"

Happy Mother's Day! This isn't a holiday I particularly care about, except as an excuse to sleep in and eat candy. I'm not a huge fan of cards, I think they're a waste of trees and money, and they're clutter. Clutter! I've gotten a few cards that were keep worthy, but for the most part they're in the trash in about two days. Every now and then, I use the day as an excuse to buy myself something. A book, new sunglasses. But in truth they were things I'd have bought without the day, too. So what's the point?

 My kids and husband appreciate me all the other days of the year. I don't need special treatment on just one to feel special. I'm kind of spoiled. I get flowers and gifts just Because Greg knows it's important to me. My kids bring me home treats to share multiple times a week. They draw me random pictures frequently. Also, if they decide to be asses on an occasional day, it's no less likely to happen on Mother's Day than any other. Kids aren't very discriminatory about when they choose to be asses. It's one of those things that define childhood; unpredictable assiness. Yeah, sure, wonder and joy and innocence and all that. But also assiness. I love my kids but no one can deny that EVERYONE's kids have a healthy sprinkling of jerky traits and habits. Everyone's kids bicker amongst each other and talk back and have tantrums.

 I think this Mother's Day is, so far, unnoticed by the kids. That's awesome. No breakfast in bed, no cards! To celebrate, I'm going to go register for college, something I'd planned on doing again eventually but I just keep NOT doing. Hope everyone's momma has the day they want!

 I don't update enough, because I suck. And I get distracted quickly. Like, today I'm all, OOO blog! And then tomorrow I will find another shiny to play with.
 Greg and I started the Atkins diet. I suck at that, too. A cookie only has nine carbs! And of course that's half of what I am supposed to have a day in the first two weeks. Stupid Atkins. I'm working on cutting out wheat, too. I find that I have more energy and less farty without it. Yes, farty. Less of it. Who doesn't want that? Baked goods are probably my biggest downfall. Bigger even than Pepsi, which I haven't had in about three days, go me! I HAVE replaced it with coffee. Coffee with soy creamer. Not cutting out dairy just yet; not until I'm used to the wheat-free thing. I can only cut out so many things at once, and I love cheeeeese so much. But I like the soy creamer a lot.
 We've also been working out every night; him just for weight loss, me for loss and also, training for Run For Your Lives! I'm all excited. My friend is coming in from Arkansas to run it with me, we're totally going to let ourselves believe the zombies are real. So I run and watch zombie movies, excellent motivation!
 I'm just so tired of being a fatass. 

 OMGah one of my kids is into something other than video games!
 Luke had his first basketball game last night, and while he's not the best on the team he's not the worst, either. And he actually tries!
 I was always the kid shuffling along the sidelines, hoping not to be noticed and ducking when the ball came within 15 feet. In fact, last night at Luke's game I still had the urge to duck and cover now and then. And I got banned from asking questions during the game where people might actually hear me (Why do they have two points when they only made one basket? Did I miss a basket?). I did resist the urge to call Luke "Lukie Butt" in front of people. He should be proud of me.

 Now Seth wants to join the swim team, so I'm getting lessons for him. Liv wants to be in ballet. I want her to play golf, but it's expensive so I'm kind of glad she has no interest. Also, she can't start until she's 8. Volleyball, on the other hand, starts NOW! I love volleyball! I'm going to try to convince her how fun volleyball would be. I think she'll probably win with ballet, though, or dance. They have to be interested in what they do, right? I will NOT micromanage my kids, I will not I will not I will not.

Biblical gender roles and household duties and general content

 I just finished helping Liv do her homework.
 I loathe helping with homework. Nothing makes me angrier faster than homework time. Greg is like, 1000000000 times better at it than I am; he's more patient and keeps his composure better than I do. Too bad I have this weird notion of fairness; just because he's better at it doesn't mean he likes it any more than I do, so we take turns.
 There isn't a lot we take turns on. I enjoy my role as the person in charge of house keeping. I take care of the kids, I do the housework and meals. I know thaT in today's society it's considered sexist and/or degrading to say that defined gender lines are healthy, but I think they really are.
 That's not to say that a single parent is somehow in the wrong; I'm saying that the happiest of my marriages have been when the gender lines were clear and separate. When I take care of the home and kids and the husband provides for us.
  I can't speak for everyone, but I know the most content, and stress free I've been in my life is when I've been the keeper of the home. And in my three marriages, I've found that the relationships seem healthier and happier when I have been able to just focus on keeping the home and kids and the man provides for us. In my first marriage, I did almost all of the work outside the home. And in it, for that matter, but that's a complaint for a different topic. That relationship was bad for a lot of reasons, so I'm not sure that example is best.
In my second marriage, Karl and I were at our healthiest and happiest when I was home taking care of the kids and able to have dinner done and keep things cleaned up and he was able to work. When I started working part-time from home, he had to pick up more house work, and our relationship struggled. When he quit -- even though he was basically forced to quit, due to economy, even before cancer -- and I started working full time, our roles had switched and neither of us was entirely comfortable with it. Our relationship was really strained. It was kind of crumbling a little bit until cancer hit, to be honest. I haven't ever told anyone that we talked about separating. Well, he talked about it some, about the possibility of moving in with his dad, and I mostly just listened. I wasn't sure if we were being serious or not. But then he was diagnosed and that talk just disappeared. There wasn't time or energy for it.
Now, I'm able to be home and keep the house and be here with the kids and Greg doesn't have to do much of it (occasionally, I ask for help and he is always willing, when I get overwhelmed), and I am in probably the healthiest marriage/relationship I've ever been in. Is it the defined gender roles or that Greg is just really good for me, or the fact that he's actually the first Christian man I've ever been with, or maybe all three? I do think that the gender lines are important to an extent in a healthy marriage. And I really enjoy being here for the kids, and being home and having dinner and the house and myself ready and waiting for Greg. I don't think I'd be as good a wife if I worked outside, because I'd get home needing to focus on ME instead of focusing on US (note that I focus on US and not just him --well, sometimes I do because everyone needs to be focused on and spoiled sometimes, but he does this for me as well -- I know some women think that clearly defined gender roles means going back to 1950's good housekeeping rules, where women didn't bring their complaints and woes to their husbands because his were assumed to be worse by default, and her job was to let him unwind. He's my best friend and we hear each other out, and help each other unwind. It's never one-sided.).
I DO know healthy, happy people who don't follow these lines, though. What works for you, works for you. What you do with your family is personal, and no one else's business. This is what works for me, for my family.

my very first traffic ticket!

I took the kids swimming today, hoping to wear them out a bit. Then we went for pizza, and on the way home with said pizza (and soda and crazy bread, be jealous of my healthy meal planning) I was dealing with kids and I realized I was gong 55mph. And the speed limit was only 40. so I was like, oh crap! and slowed down. Unfortunately there was a cop behind me. Crap. Lucky me, he let me off with a warning for the speeding, but my registration is expired and still AZ, so I did get a ticket for that.

 I'm sure it's no where near the price of the 15 over ticket would have been, so I am finding nothing to complain about. I do plan on going to get the car registered tomorrow. urgh.

Spring break is here. Yippee. So I have to entertain my own kids this week? The horror! Also, daylight savings started yesterday. I dislike this. Well, i like the extra daylight in theevening, but I dislike the change of clocks and the lost sleep in the morning. And it's nice that it coincided with spring break, so hopefully it won't affect the school day routine once the kids go back next week. ←p→I'm not sure how to make the little pointy things, to make this a new paragraph on my nook. So we'll see if this is a new paragraph when I finish posting. I might have to go back and edit on my computer, but you and I both know I'll never do it.

Name Change!

I finally had my name changed, and after 3 months I'm finally Toni Wright! I had to wait for the license to come, and then our honeymoon was really close (Caribbean Cruise, yay! And now I want to move to Jamaica and be a pirate.) and I didn't want to have to figure out another name change with the passport people, and then February was hectic... and now my house is a MESS but I was like, it's now or never, dammit. So I turned on my phone's voice navigation -- I can't tell you how glad I am that I never had to learn to drive before this became available -- and started out toward McKinney, which is where the closest SSA office is.

So I was there on the 21 heading North or South or something, and suddenly my navigation says to turn left on Hinden. WTF Hinden was three exits ago. So I exited where I was to try to figure this problem out, and the navigation got bitchy.

RECALCULATING.

And then it told me to get off t El Dorado West. But On that side of the highway, El Dorado Est was the only option. WTF, I say? So my phone decided to RECALCULATE again. And I turned around, and then on the access road there was a sign! El Dorado West! So I ignored the rest of the directions and went that way. And then I noticed that I had turned onto Craig road, which is the road the SSA office was on, so I accidentally went the right way, and that's awesome.

I did my thing at the office, then decided that my navigation was useless and made my own way back to the highway, and went in the direction I thought I'd come from, and followed it until I saw an exit for a road name I knew, and now I am sitting here drinking my Pepsi and patting myself on the back for awesome navigation skillz, and contemplating an hour in EQ2.

And of course you wanted to know all about this.

I spent the last twenty minutes reading back through my blog, and I am surprised. Because the feelings I am reading hardly seem like they happened to me. It's like reading about someone else... but at the same time I remember feeling them all acutely. Is it terrible that I don't miss him? Not even a little bit. The kids ask if I do, and Greg asks if I do, and I usually find some PC answer to give, like, "I miss the way he was before cancer," but even that isn't true. I loved him dearly. He was a good husband and a fantastic father. But I don't miss any of it. And I wouldn't bring him back if I could, sick or healthy. All of that life is gone and I am happy with what I have now and the future is exciting. And I don't feel guilty about any of it. I think most of Karl's family is still mad at me. It's something they have to work through on their own, and if they do, great for them; either way, my life moves on. But I think of them and I care about them and wish them the best. We've been in Plano for 6 1/2 months now. Greg and I got married in December. Things are normal again. Life is steady and stable. My parents moved to town this weekend, and we're all ecstatic! Free babysitting! Greg has been an amazing husband and dad. I have a level of partnership I've never had before. Greg is very hands-on with the kids and they love it. They thrive on it. Seth feels secure, and I haven't had to get him from school in a while. And we haven't had any melt-downs at home in just as long. It's been really good. He handles ME really well, too. And that says lot, because I'm a neurotic little ball of hyper. Impulsive. I see what I want and I make it happen. This means on any given day, Greg might come home to a neon yellow bathroom, or a giant cat poster on the wall (there is indeed a giant cat poster on my family room wall now...) or to find that I've completely redone the bedroom (guilty!). But he's known me for 8 years, and he knew what he was getting into, so really, he should just sit back and enjoy the ride.