what NOT to say or do with a soon-to-be widow

So many people have been so much help to me. I know everyone's intentions have been for the best. But even so, some things would just be so much easier if people just knew not to...

1. Tell her that if she needs anything to just ask.

This puts a lot of pressure and a lot of burden on her. It's hard to ask and it's hard to realize what you need to ask for help with. If you see her struggling, offer something specific. Or just jump in and do something. Don't wait to be asked.

2. Ask her for updates.

If you're close family, you'll get updates when there are updates. If you're not close family, shut up and just wait, you'll hear about it without a lot of wait after close family has heard. In fact, regardless of how close you are, if she has been updating facebook regularly, just look there. If it's not updated, assume there is simply no update and be patient.

3. Tell her how strong she is.

She's really not any more or less strong than anyone else and she's heard it 10002378 times and it gets old. She's just doing what she has to do. Instead, tell her she looks skinny today.

4. Tell her what she is doing wrong or that her grief is abnormal.

it's not. Everything she feels and says is normal and valid.

5. Facebook mesaage her. When she does not respond in a manner youbconsider timely, message asking if she got it. Continue messaging or texting or posting directly to her wall to ask if she got it.

This one speaks for itself.