I'm typing this post from home while Karl lays in bed at a hospice in-patient facility, dying. He barely knew we were there earlier, when my mom and I took the kids. He kept talking about "that bitch who tried to get me off," meaning the nurse who put the catheter in because he is unable to pee on his own. He had wet the bed before that, so he's lost control of his bladder now. I don't feel guilty like I thought I would, about sending him there. I just can't handle him anymore. Physically. He kept trying to get up and waner here at home, and yesterday morning he actually fell. I called 911, and we got him to the hospital and the social worker there got hospice set up for us. I feel relieved. So much relief that taking care of him is no longer my responsibility. I can no longer handle his constant dementia. I was getting no more than 3 hours of sleep at a time, more often closer to an hour and a half. Last night, though, I was able to sit down, enjoy a small drink, relax and get a full eight hours of sleep. And I'm going to get it again tonight, and tomorrow night, and the night after. Life is already going on, and that's what Karl wanted for all of us all along.

 Today I had to sit the kids down and tell them straight out that their dad is going to die soon. They were all hysterical for awhile, but Luke came to terms with it fairly quickly. Olivia was able to understand it pretty fast, too. Seth is the hardest. For a chunk of the day he kept cycling through all of the stages of grief quickly, over and over again. I don't know if you've watched Monk, but there was an episode where Monk's therapist was quitting, and Monk went through the stages over and over, very quickly... it was pretty much the same thing. Almost comical, except that it's my nine year old and he's really hurting. I think a lot of it was forced, something he was doing because he thought it was what he was SUPPOSED to do. Tonight he's calmed down. He has a few moments here and there but is acting fairly normal, as are the other two. Because though I just said the words out loud to them today, they're not stupid kids and they've known for some time.