Spouses of Patients

 People keep telling me, "You're so strong!" and "I could never do it!"  Things along those lines. Sometimes just a sentence, sometimes a whole paragraph or speech. And I get that they're well-meaning, I get that they really mean it and I do appreciate the sentiment. But those of us in my position, the husbands and the wives and any other family caregiver... we're not what you think we are. We handle it the same way you would. We get out of bed, we do what needs to be done, and sometimes we hold it together but not always. We have good days and bad days.

  We're not saints and we're not martyrs. Sometimes we cope in selfish ways. We have tantrums and meltdowns and we say hurtful things. We do wrong.

 Sometimes we resent the sick person we love. Sometimes we stop loving them, whether for five minutes, a few days, or permanently.

 Sometimes we snap at them, and sometimes they snap back. We have our fights with them just like anyone else. Sometimes we are the instigators. We take things too personally or not personally enough.

 Some of us have affairs. We fall in love with other people. We plan for a future without the husband or wife, though they are still here.

 Maybe we stay because we love the dying person, maybe because we can't imagine being without them, even while we know that soon that time will come. Maybe we stay because we feel guilty for one reason or another. Maybe we stay because we know that everyone else we care about would hate us, if we were to leave. It could be any or all of these, and the reason can change from day to day.

 I don't speak for myself alone here; I have talked to others. I've heard their stories. We all react in our own way, but we've decided that however we react is normal. It's okay. But what it is not, is better or stronger or wiser or more caring than anyone else. You would do it, too, even if right now you think you couldn't.

And if you don't, choosing not to do it doesn't make you a terrible person. I would empathise with the woman who left her dying husband because I know how exactly what she's feeling. I feel it, too.