The kids emotions are all over the place. So are mine. But I don't have time for my own, when my kids are in such pain. I have little stolen moments; the shower, or when I am taking out the trash. A lot of my time tonight has been spent holding one of the kids at any given time. My shirt is tear stained, and my heart aches for them. There are no words for this pain. The pain of losing my husband is nothing compared to how I hurt for his children.

 I don't even know what else to say tonight.

 I suppose I do, maybe.

 They're crying, off and on. But they are also laughing. I've said before how resilient kids are, and they're showing me just how true that really is. They have moments for sure, but just as much of their time has been spent laughing together. Playing, eating cookies, splashing their bath water all over the floor; normal kids things. And I know that as time passes, though they don't believe me now, their grief will lessen and they will have fewer, more spread out moments where they have to break down.

 I'm more emotional than I thought. I have felt kind of numb for some time, and I kind of miss my apathy. It was much easier not to feel.