Last night, Karl was convinced again that we weren't home. It couldn't be home, he said, because things kept changing. Every time he came in things were changed here and there. Seth was trying to reassure him, telling him it's okay, we're at home and we're safe and Karl go angry.

"Stop fucking lying to me, you little asshole," he snapped. I was completely, utterly shocked. Seth was shocked and upset. Karl realized what he'd said fairly quick -- he wasn't entirely "with it" but he realizes who we are a lot of the time at least -- and cried and apologized but you can't take words like that back.

He hasn't known where we are for most of the last few days. My kids are watching all of this happen and I'm at a loss. I know Karl doesn't have much time left. A couple of weeks at best, and possibly only days. I can't have him calling the kids names and swearing at them for the last of it. But the idea of putting him in a nursing home or hospital is awful for me.

This is not the man I married. This is not a man I have been in love with for some time now. However, I do care about him, and the idea of him having a lucid moment and knowing where he is and that I put him there, as if I just got rid of him, breaks my heart. But on the other hand, the idea of this, who and what he is right now, being the kids' last memories of him, is just as bad.

I know that he is going to die, and even if he spends a couple of weeks sad in his lucid times that he's not home with us, he is going to die and then he won't be sad anymore at all. He won't even remember being sad. But the kids and I are still here and we're going to go on and live out our lives and we do have to remember everything that's happened.

I wish he would just die today. I don't mean that with any malevolence or anger. I'm just tired of making the hard decisions, I'm tired of watching this all unfold and I'm tired of having it run my life completely. Today, please God? Let it happen today.