The memorial service was on the 7th. It went alright, except I felt like I was on display all day. I don't like that. I'm more of a background kind of girl. And if anyone else tells me how sorry they are, my head will pop.

 Now I have a dead man in my closet. Well, his ashes anyway. This is not an idea I'm comfortable with. I also have the rod from his leg, which is going to Karl's brother, Chris, because Chris is weird. (Hi Chris.)

 Between family and friends and people they knew, I got enough money in sympathy cards and such that I don't have to worry about my bills this month, which is such a load off my shoulders. I was very, very worried about it. I also have enough to buy my kids some summer clothes, which is awesome because they all seem to have hit a growth spurt this month and Olivia's shirts are all way short on her. The boys are fine on shirts but they have NO shorts, and I think I'll get them each a pair of crocs, too. And boxers.

 The kids are all dealing in their own ways, still. Seth is having control issues. He has outbursts, and is constantly on edge and hyper. He's gotten a tad better, but I am gong to get him in to Hospice's bereavement counselor this week, I think. Luke is broody but that's not a huge change from normal Luke. He's my broody boy. Olivia is very cheerful. She is dealing best. I was worried at first because it seemed she was completely avoiding the topic of Karl. But now she's able to talk about him and handle it, and I'm so not worried about her. She accepts that he's dead, and not coming back. She misses him, but she isn't having too much trouble handling it.

 I miss him. I miss him so much. I was browsing the pictures in a friend's phone earlier and found one of Karl from halloween, dressed up as a zombie (I did an excellent job on his makeup, because I'm awesome tyvm) and I can't believe he was that healthy just 8 months ago. He wasn't even using the walker yet then. His pain was almost non-existent. I went through awhile where when I thought of him, all I could see was the way he looked in the last two days, but now I'm able to see his healthy face in my head again and it's nice to be able to have that. I took my ring off within a few days, because it made me hurt. I remember the day he gave it to me, and he handpicked it himself just for me. So I put it away. I tucked it into my trinket box next to his wedding band.

 Tomorrow I can pick up the death certificate. I found out we'll get $1440 a month in survivor benefits for the kids, which is more than enough to pay my bills. I don't have to work this summer. I feel so blessed and lucky to know I'll be able to be here with my kids to help ease this transition! I'll be able to take them out to do things! Trips to the park! To the library! We haven't been able to do things in months, since Karl started getting so bad. I feel like we have so much freedom now. Like we've all just been released from prison.

 We got out Friday. Greg came in for the funeral ans stayed the weekend, so Friday we took the kids to the park and played ball and tag and on the playground for a few hours and it was good. Seth was on edge and the kids fought like cats and dogs, but they'll get better. Time will fix all of us.