OMGah one of my kids is into something other than video games!
 Luke had his first basketball game last night, and while he's not the best on the team he's not the worst, either. And he actually tries!
 I was always the kid shuffling along the sidelines, hoping not to be noticed and ducking when the ball came within 15 feet. In fact, last night at Luke's game I still had the urge to duck and cover now and then. And I got banned from asking questions during the game where people might actually hear me (Why do they have two points when they only made one basket? Did I miss a basket?). I did resist the urge to call Luke "Lukie Butt" in front of people. He should be proud of me.

 Now Seth wants to join the swim team, so I'm getting lessons for him. Liv wants to be in ballet. I want her to play golf, but it's expensive so I'm kind of glad she has no interest. Also, she can't start until she's 8. Volleyball, on the other hand, starts NOW! I love volleyball! I'm going to try to convince her how fun volleyball would be. I think she'll probably win with ballet, though, or dance. They have to be interested in what they do, right? I will NOT micromanage my kids, I will not I will not I will not.

Biblical gender roles and household duties and general content

 I just finished helping Liv do her homework.
 I loathe helping with homework. Nothing makes me angrier faster than homework time. Greg is like, 1000000000 times better at it than I am; he's more patient and keeps his composure better than I do. Too bad I have this weird notion of fairness; just because he's better at it doesn't mean he likes it any more than I do, so we take turns.
 There isn't a lot we take turns on. I enjoy my role as the person in charge of house keeping. I take care of the kids, I do the housework and meals. I know thaT in today's society it's considered sexist and/or degrading to say that defined gender lines are healthy, but I think they really are.
 That's not to say that a single parent is somehow in the wrong; I'm saying that the happiest of my marriages have been when the gender lines were clear and separate. When I take care of the home and kids and the husband provides for us.
  I can't speak for everyone, but I know the most content, and stress free I've been in my life is when I've been the keeper of the home. And in my three marriages, I've found that the relationships seem healthier and happier when I have been able to just focus on keeping the home and kids and the man provides for us. In my first marriage, I did almost all of the work outside the home. And in it, for that matter, but that's a complaint for a different topic. That relationship was bad for a lot of reasons, so I'm not sure that example is best.
In my second marriage, Karl and I were at our healthiest and happiest when I was home taking care of the kids and able to have dinner done and keep things cleaned up and he was able to work. When I started working part-time from home, he had to pick up more house work, and our relationship struggled. When he quit -- even though he was basically forced to quit, due to economy, even before cancer -- and I started working full time, our roles had switched and neither of us was entirely comfortable with it. Our relationship was really strained. It was kind of crumbling a little bit until cancer hit, to be honest. I haven't ever told anyone that we talked about separating. Well, he talked about it some, about the possibility of moving in with his dad, and I mostly just listened. I wasn't sure if we were being serious or not. But then he was diagnosed and that talk just disappeared. There wasn't time or energy for it.
Now, I'm able to be home and keep the house and be here with the kids and Greg doesn't have to do much of it (occasionally, I ask for help and he is always willing, when I get overwhelmed), and I am in probably the healthiest marriage/relationship I've ever been in. Is it the defined gender roles or that Greg is just really good for me, or the fact that he's actually the first Christian man I've ever been with, or maybe all three? I do think that the gender lines are important to an extent in a healthy marriage. And I really enjoy being here for the kids, and being home and having dinner and the house and myself ready and waiting for Greg. I don't think I'd be as good a wife if I worked outside, because I'd get home needing to focus on ME instead of focusing on US (note that I focus on US and not just him --well, sometimes I do because everyone needs to be focused on and spoiled sometimes, but he does this for me as well -- I know some women think that clearly defined gender roles means going back to 1950's good housekeeping rules, where women didn't bring their complaints and woes to their husbands because his were assumed to be worse by default, and her job was to let him unwind. He's my best friend and we hear each other out, and help each other unwind. It's never one-sided.).
I DO know healthy, happy people who don't follow these lines, though. What works for you, works for you. What you do with your family is personal, and no one else's business. This is what works for me, for my family.

my very first traffic ticket!

I took the kids swimming today, hoping to wear them out a bit. Then we went for pizza, and on the way home with said pizza (and soda and crazy bread, be jealous of my healthy meal planning) I was dealing with kids and I realized I was gong 55mph. And the speed limit was only 40. so I was like, oh crap! and slowed down. Unfortunately there was a cop behind me. Crap. Lucky me, he let me off with a warning for the speeding, but my registration is expired and still AZ, so I did get a ticket for that.

 I'm sure it's no where near the price of the 15 over ticket would have been, so I am finding nothing to complain about. I do plan on going to get the car registered tomorrow. urgh.

Spring break is here. Yippee. So I have to entertain my own kids this week? The horror! Also, daylight savings started yesterday. I dislike this. Well, i like the extra daylight in theevening, but I dislike the change of clocks and the lost sleep in the morning. And it's nice that it coincided with spring break, so hopefully it won't affect the school day routine once the kids go back next week. ←p→I'm not sure how to make the little pointy things, to make this a new paragraph on my nook. So we'll see if this is a new paragraph when I finish posting. I might have to go back and edit on my computer, but you and I both know I'll never do it.

Name Change!

I finally had my name changed, and after 3 months I'm finally Toni Wright! I had to wait for the license to come, and then our honeymoon was really close (Caribbean Cruise, yay! And now I want to move to Jamaica and be a pirate.) and I didn't want to have to figure out another name change with the passport people, and then February was hectic... and now my house is a MESS but I was like, it's now or never, dammit. So I turned on my phone's voice navigation -- I can't tell you how glad I am that I never had to learn to drive before this became available -- and started out toward McKinney, which is where the closest SSA office is.

So I was there on the 21 heading North or South or something, and suddenly my navigation says to turn left on Hinden. WTF Hinden was three exits ago. So I exited where I was to try to figure this problem out, and the navigation got bitchy.

RECALCULATING.

And then it told me to get off t El Dorado West. But On that side of the highway, El Dorado Est was the only option. WTF, I say? So my phone decided to RECALCULATE again. And I turned around, and then on the access road there was a sign! El Dorado West! So I ignored the rest of the directions and went that way. And then I noticed that I had turned onto Craig road, which is the road the SSA office was on, so I accidentally went the right way, and that's awesome.

I did my thing at the office, then decided that my navigation was useless and made my own way back to the highway, and went in the direction I thought I'd come from, and followed it until I saw an exit for a road name I knew, and now I am sitting here drinking my Pepsi and patting myself on the back for awesome navigation skillz, and contemplating an hour in EQ2.

And of course you wanted to know all about this.

I spent the last twenty minutes reading back through my blog, and I am surprised. Because the feelings I am reading hardly seem like they happened to me. It's like reading about someone else... but at the same time I remember feeling them all acutely. Is it terrible that I don't miss him? Not even a little bit. The kids ask if I do, and Greg asks if I do, and I usually find some PC answer to give, like, "I miss the way he was before cancer," but even that isn't true. I loved him dearly. He was a good husband and a fantastic father. But I don't miss any of it. And I wouldn't bring him back if I could, sick or healthy. All of that life is gone and I am happy with what I have now and the future is exciting. And I don't feel guilty about any of it. I think most of Karl's family is still mad at me. It's something they have to work through on their own, and if they do, great for them; either way, my life moves on. But I think of them and I care about them and wish them the best. We've been in Plano for 6 1/2 months now. Greg and I got married in December. Things are normal again. Life is steady and stable. My parents moved to town this weekend, and we're all ecstatic! Free babysitting! Greg has been an amazing husband and dad. I have a level of partnership I've never had before. Greg is very hands-on with the kids and they love it. They thrive on it. Seth feels secure, and I haven't had to get him from school in a while. And we haven't had any melt-downs at home in just as long. It's been really good. He handles ME really well, too. And that says lot, because I'm a neurotic little ball of hyper. Impulsive. I see what I want and I make it happen. This means on any given day, Greg might come home to a neon yellow bathroom, or a giant cat poster on the wall (there is indeed a giant cat poster on my family room wall now...) or to find that I've completely redone the bedroom (guilty!). But he's known me for 8 years, and he knew what he was getting into, so really, he should just sit back and enjoy the ride.