News. Not so good.

Things are just so chaotic here. I'm fighting hard to regain some level of control, but apparently it's a losing battle. So I have been OCD about what I thought would be controllable things; housework, homework, decluttering (I LOVE to get rid of things!). But it seems even these things are beyond my control. The kids have been an incredible help around the house, volunteering to do things, not complaining when they're asked. They stay happy, usually. but even so, I can feel their stress. They know what's going on. They're scared. They're sad. They have more weight on their shoulders than any kid should have to have. And there isn't anything I can do to take it from them. Unless you've had to sit by and watch someone you love be slowly tortured to death, and to watch your kids feel just as helpless as you do, you really have no idea.

We got this news on the first and had to let it sink in and talk to the kids before we posted it here. We talked to the oncologist about Karl's last PET scan and this was the news...

So his lungs and chest have more tumors and also show more metastatic activity (meaning it's more aggressive and spreading). It has spread to his adrenal gland as well -- the tumor that has popped up there is already at 2cm. The lesions on his leg bones have grown and there are new ones on his ribs and pelvis as well as new fractures (the bones are weakened and broken by the lesions). The big one in his lung is pinching a main bronchial tube so he's not getting enough air... and he has pneumonia so chemo is not an option until it's gone, at least a month. Then we can reevaluate the pneumonia and, in the doctor's own words, "decide whether or not to even continue treatment."

So what are we going to do? Before we make any decision, we're going to ask for another scan, with another imaging company; a second opinion. We want to be completely sure about what's going on before we make any real decision. And I'm going to start the process of getting together an advance directive, researching our state's laws regarding funerals and death (because we're well beyond poor, and traditional funerals are expensive, plus we want to be as "green" as we can be, we are looking into alternate choices). And we're going to call hospice.

And then we'll just keep on living. What else can we do?