Wax: DO NOT WANT.

SO we've all seen that episode of Friends, Where Monica and Phoebe try Waxine, right? And we're like, oh they're exaggerating. It can't hurt that much.
 Let me tell you how very wrong we were.
 I found an unopened package of Nads under the sink, that apparently Greg had from before I moved in. And I was like, oh! Maybe I won't shave my lady bits, maybe I'll wax instead! It looks so easy!
 So I opened the package. I read the instructions. Apply a thin layer of wax, slap that cloth strip on and rip it off. It alleges that the pain will be minimal and your unwanted hair will be gone! ALLEGES.
 I did exactly what the instructions said, noting that the wax is somewhat harder to spread than Nads implies. So far so good. I unrolled the strip of cotton cloth. I smoothed it over the waxy area. I took a deep breath and I yanked that shit off my lady bits. And I screamed.
 "MOTHERFUCKER."
 Yes, I was quite vulgar. And when I immediately noticed that there had been no actual hair removal, my head nearly popped. Had I done something wrong? Maybe that was why it hurt so much!
 And now you're thinking, she didn't try it again, did she?
 Yes. Yes I did. With the same results and louder swearing.
 So now I am waxy, stuck together, still hairy, and stinging too much to shave.
 Eff you, Nads. Eff you.

There are no normal people in my life.

Harold Fantastic Longpants*.........

 

Toni: !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Toni: ermahgerr is that all you have to say?

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: yes.

 

Toni: Okay.

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: STOP TALKING ABOUT ASS SNIFFING. I GET ENOUGH FROM THE DOGS

WHY IS THAT PLURAL

WHY AM I SHOUTING

 

Toni:OMGOD STOP YELLING AT ME

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: OK

 

Toni: No one said anything about ass SNIFFING. I think tasting was the word used

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: I was trying to forget that part.

 

Toni: But I said it's NOT allowed, so it can't be that traumatizing

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: Ah yes hm. THe wife and I are going up to the Hamptons to enjoy the beach and maybe take in one of the many local ass tastings Hm

 

Toni: See, mine lets you visualize people not tasting ass. Yours makes you think, omg the Longpantses enjoy ass. 

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants http://toph.net/Ass_tasting_descriptors.html

it is a thing

 

Toni: hrm.

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: This is flipping hilarious

 

Toni: I might need to post this conversation on my blog.

 

Harold Fantastic Longpants: Ok, but I demand to be known as "Harold Fantastic Longpants"

 

Toni: Alright. Names will be changed for privacy and scaredy pants.

 

*name changed for privacy and scaredy pants.

.

Running; I hate it. Pretty much the only thing that keeps me doing it is the zombie race on the 1st. Also, getting skinny. I miss being skinny. While I was focused on Karl and cancer for two years, I put on an embarrassing nearly 40lbs. I've lost 10 so far, but I'm still in the low obese range of the bmi scale. That's pretty hard to admit. I always found an identity in being the "skinny girl," and I'm no longer skinny. I'm having trouble grasping the idea that I can still be attractive and struggling with not slipping back into a compulsive not-eating cycle. There are days I'm tempted to encourage old bad habits; calorie counting, extreme restriction, eating only negative-calorie foods. And other days, I fight the desire to eat nothing but Snickers and Pepsi. More often than not this month, I've been restricting. I'm disturbingly proud of a 700 calorie day. I've got enough of a grip to know that's disturbing, but not enough to care. Phentermine makes me forget to eat, too, and makes me able to be up at 6, skip my nap, and stay up until midnight. Also, my house has never been cleaner. Yay phentermine!

Me: Greg. If you found out I was born male bit didn't know until yesterday would you leave me?
Greg: did you find out you were born a man yesterday?
Me: yes. Now answer.
Greg: no. Well, maybe. I would want to know how you had three children.
Me: okay, fine. Not me. Hypothetically, if you found out your wife was born a man would you leave her?
Greg: probably not. .
Me: probably? You said we were soulmates, how does THAT work, you'd maybe leave your soulmate!
Greg: this was supposed to be hypothetical.
Me: well it's not anymore!
Greg: this is a stupid conversation.

Cameron and Heather

 I was contacted recently by the husband of a woman with an incredible survival. He asked me to share her story here to raise awareness and hope, and after watching her video I couldn't say no! There really is so much hope in their story. Here you go!

 "My name is Cameron Von St. James and my wife, Heather was diagnosed seven years ago with a very rare and deadly cancer called mesothelioma, just three months after the birth of our only child.  We were initially told that she could have less than 15 months to live, but she was able to defy the odds and eventually beat the cancer.  Today, she is completely healthy and cancer free.  Now, we work to spread awareness and to support others fighting cancer today.  We recently participated in a short video about my wife's cancer experience, which we hope to use to continue to raise awareness and support. Here is the link to the video:  http://can.cr/heather"

Happy Mother's Day! This isn't a holiday I particularly care about, except as an excuse to sleep in and eat candy. I'm not a huge fan of cards, I think they're a waste of trees and money, and they're clutter. Clutter! I've gotten a few cards that were keep worthy, but for the most part they're in the trash in about two days. Every now and then, I use the day as an excuse to buy myself something. A book, new sunglasses. But in truth they were things I'd have bought without the day, too. So what's the point?

 My kids and husband appreciate me all the other days of the year. I don't need special treatment on just one to feel special. I'm kind of spoiled. I get flowers and gifts just Because Greg knows it's important to me. My kids bring me home treats to share multiple times a week. They draw me random pictures frequently. Also, if they decide to be asses on an occasional day, it's no less likely to happen on Mother's Day than any other. Kids aren't very discriminatory about when they choose to be asses. It's one of those things that define childhood; unpredictable assiness. Yeah, sure, wonder and joy and innocence and all that. But also assiness. I love my kids but no one can deny that EVERYONE's kids have a healthy sprinkling of jerky traits and habits. Everyone's kids bicker amongst each other and talk back and have tantrums.

 I think this Mother's Day is, so far, unnoticed by the kids. That's awesome. No breakfast in bed, no cards! To celebrate, I'm going to go register for college, something I'd planned on doing again eventually but I just keep NOT doing. Hope everyone's momma has the day they want!

 I don't update enough, because I suck. And I get distracted quickly. Like, today I'm all, OOO blog! And then tomorrow I will find another shiny to play with.
 Greg and I started the Atkins diet. I suck at that, too. A cookie only has nine carbs! And of course that's half of what I am supposed to have a day in the first two weeks. Stupid Atkins. I'm working on cutting out wheat, too. I find that I have more energy and less farty without it. Yes, farty. Less of it. Who doesn't want that? Baked goods are probably my biggest downfall. Bigger even than Pepsi, which I haven't had in about three days, go me! I HAVE replaced it with coffee. Coffee with soy creamer. Not cutting out dairy just yet; not until I'm used to the wheat-free thing. I can only cut out so many things at once, and I love cheeeeese so much. But I like the soy creamer a lot.
 We've also been working out every night; him just for weight loss, me for loss and also, training for Run For Your Lives! I'm all excited. My friend is coming in from Arkansas to run it with me, we're totally going to let ourselves believe the zombies are real. So I run and watch zombie movies, excellent motivation!
 I'm just so tired of being a fatass.